Not how it was supposed to be

I am recently suffering from the grip of a stress induced minor nervous breakdown, its made me look at myself in quite an unsympathetic light. All the things i want to do i cannot, i cant even properly play my best instruments anymore.

I know what i want to be, where i want to be, i just do not know how i could possibly ever afford to be that person, with time and money. Is this a feesable excuse for being so massivly average?

I look at my friends and each one is inspiringly amazing at something.

Millie has the best and poetic beautiful mind i've ever seen , and i have seen it, physically, its the most wonderful shade of purple grey.

Ailise is so stunningly gorgeous, and has style that could kill. Again, seen this happen, to a certain captain who stole her flower.

Kat is massively adorable, i look at her and fall in love, her thinking is deeply set in the ways of a Victorian child. Her art work too, it is something to stop you walking.

Joe is so painfully successful i want to remove his piercings with a large and uncontrollable saw.

Jess bounces through life making friends with everything that can breath, instantly loveable, intelligent and probably the wisest of all my friends.

Josh is passionate and successful with cooking, i'm proud, best chef i've ever met. Although i must admit it is a proffesion quite set apart from my own so i do not know many. He is also hilarious , heart warming and easy to enjoy.

So here i bumble along, average looking, average style, likeable not loveable, no musical talent, sure technically i can do the art thing but my grades are by no means stunning, i cannot write, i have no adventures and im dissapointed in myself.

If 13 year old amber could see this now, she would not be impressed.

new small drawings

Top : new

Bottom : old

I have been away from my blog for a while.
There is new work, interested?
I will show you, but i think i must explain that i am having issues with presentation.
I feel bogged down in the uptight attitude of a painter, everything in a line, perfect and crisp etc. This is the opposite of my practice as a painter and seemed a little bit like denying myself and the true nature of my work. Like dressing Britney in an evening dress, sure she will look beautiful but we all know we prefer her in all her trashy glory.
Following?
So this is something i will work on as a day to day process, for the first time ever a wall of my studio has been cleaned and painted white so i can do a daily display, which is time consuming and tiring but i think worth it.
So what else in this long time?
My smaller drawings! These are certainly worth mentioning. They began quite graphic, stylized and certainly attractive but black and white and i think that i would compare them to an oil puddle. I was not happy with this and decided the productive thing to do would be to put them to one side and begin again, as what is the point on pouring effort into an oil puddle right?
The newer drawings are colourful, less severe and more delicate. They have been applied to wood to make them tiles and i hope that this as well will be a daily practice although so far i must admit this has not happened. I will post pictures demonstrating this, i think its a big jump and i'm pleased with myself in a cat by a fire kind of way.
Also Ive started large scale paintings on paper, back to colour.
I think this is all i can say about where my work has gone to in all this busy working time. Thank you for reading.